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IMPORTANT: If you are easily offended, please do not read on without first reading the Special Disclaimer. This article is purely an attempt at humour and is not intended to cause any offence.



Could it be the grittiness of the capital city, Riga? Could it be that next to Estonia and Lithuania, any country would be hard-pressed to shine in the talent department? Who knows, but Latvia is still an impressive talent-spotting destination in it's own right. Packed with clubs and bars, and Russians with skirts so short you'd think it was a boob-tube - all-in-all, a happy hunting ground!

Quality: A gritty-yet-pretty-Baltic-beauty 8/10
Chances: A the-club's-so-dark-she-won't-see-my-face-til-morning 7/10

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Absolutely stunning. A door policy like the most exclusive clubs – they just don’t let the ugly birds in. Even the pizzeria waitresses look like catwalk models. Best of the Baltics by far.

Sexpest says: This was one of the two places where I found the girls really up for it, there are some serious Scottish-daft birds (as opposed to daft Scottish birds!)

Quality: A breathtaking 10/10
Chances: 6/10 - remember, paying for it doesn't count

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Romania's smaller, cleaner and more corrupt little neighbour shares a similary impressive gene pool with it's western neighbour. The women are just as stunning, but the shoes are a little pointier, and this should probably be taken into consideration.

One other thing to consider - walking the streets of Chisinau with a local lovely on your arm drastically reduces the chances of being "taxed" by an over-zealous policeman.


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Our glamorous tour guide


Norwegian women are exceptionally pretty - that is undeniable. That keeps me happy, as personally I always think if girl isn't pretty, the rest pales into insignificance (I've never subscribed to the "not looking at the mantelpiece" theory). They're also very "friendly", in a come up and grab you in the middle of the street kind of way (irrespective if you're with your wife at the time - eh. Ally?).

One word of warning, however - there is such a thing as "SAS", or Scandinavian Arse Syndrome. The theory, as explained to me by the landlord of a Copenhagen pub, goes along the lines of they know they're pretty, they avoid work by studying until they're 30, then get married and have kids. Not necessarily a problem in these enlightened, post J-Lo days, of course!

Quality: A genetically superior 8/10
Chances: A get-accosted-in-the-street 8/10

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A stunning Norwegian lady


Never seen anything like it – the whole country is either smashed on vodka or getting over a vodka hangover at any given time. If a bloater like me can get propositioned on a daily basis (including a suggested girlfriend swap), and get followed out of a bar so the barmaid can give me a gift of a box of pint glasses, then you CANNOT FAIL. Beware the vodka breath, but the ladies are very, very friendly.

Sexpest says: A country full of drunken loons, very friendly, met a student from Poland on my travels last year kept in touch so got invited over. The main problem where I was staying a lot of girls disappeared about 9pm

Quality: A negotiable 5/10 (improves with vodka goggles)
Chances: A sure thing 10/10

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A typical Polish bar scence (complete with unconscious lady)


"Everyone has a moustache, even the men!" - a harsh comment, and one that is blatantly untrue when put to the test. Lithe, slender, sultry and stunning, Portuguese ladies have everything you'd expect of a latin lovely, yet with a little bit more. Maybe it's facing the Atlantic, maybe it's the toxins in the seafood, but somehow Portugal's finest are the shing light of the Iberian peninsula.

Special mention to the three nurses in the Cafe Vianna - "We can be back in 20 minutes in our uniforms"

Quality: A uniform 8/10
Chances: A you-should-be-so-lucky 4/10

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Oh yes


The land of the "Cheeky Girls" (nope, that's Rye in East Sussex), where an entire procession of stunningly attractive yet painfully thin (yet, strangely, incredibly well-endowed) brunette Balkan beauties awaits, is an untapped paradise of fit hoo-haa ready to be open-cast mined. The drink is cheap, the beggars are agressive, the taxi drivers are very creative, and the place is downright weird. Still, when the women are this gorgeous, who cares?

And your chances? Well, they're not EU for a start...

Quality: A breath-taking 9/10
Chances: A non-EU 9/10

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Two Romanian stunners

San Marino (Italy)

What can I say? Sorry to generalise here, but Italian women* really, really, really do rate themselves. And I don’t. Attitude is everything.

(*At least the ones we met did, apart from Chris's friend from Parma)

Quality: A middling 5/10 (but you'd think it was 11)
Chances: A more-chance-of-a-beer-in-Baghdad 1/10 (higher out of Italy)

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Outshines it's more touristed neighbour the Czech Republic with a bevvy of beauties in every bar and shop. The flight over was packed with English guys with young glamorous Slovakian wives, so we must surely be in with a chance. A very friendly country and a well-established pub culture can only help things along. Definitely in Eurpoe's Premier League along with Croatia.

Sexpest says: They are also very generous, my Slovak friend insisted in paying for at least half of everything, organised free accomodation for me in Prague. May end up being Mrs Sexpest.

Quality: A stunning 9/10
Chances: An optimistic 7/10

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This stunning specimen was a t a football game!


Now, everyone know Spanish burds are well fit, but one serious word of warning from an old friend of mine who went to uni in Spain for a year and finally worked out why all the local guys were cracking on to her... "all the local lads know that they don't get much action until the marry a Spanish girl, and then as soon as she has a kid she lets herself go big-time". Accounts for all those fat, moustachioed women in black though!

Shocking stereotypes, but then again that's what this is all about! So the bottom line: great to look at, but perhaps not the best long term prospect!

Quality: A sultry, sexy 9/10
Chances: A devout 3/10

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South Korea

Full of Eastern promise, Korean women are absolutely stunning. What more can I say - if I became single, I'd be booking a flight within weeks. Although no real evidence exists on the Chances scale, given the chauvanistic reputation of Korean men, we must in with a shout!

Quality: 9/10 - Annyong Haseyo
Chances: A hopeful 4/10

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A couple of stunners


All the sultry beauty of southern Eastern Europe, but with far more curvaceous figures - think Croatia meets Marilyn Monroe. A natural friendliness and beautiful eyes and smiles, but don't get too carried away here. You're pretty much looking at a proposal before you'll get a chance.

Quality: A sultry, curvy 8/10
Chances: An on-your-wedding-night 2/10

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Can I do this report without once using the worn cliche "Welsh Rarebit"? No. There are some real corkers in Wales, made all the more attractive and approachable by their down-to-earth outlook and their filthy laughs. Besides the local lassies, Cardiff is a chock-a-block with students.

It's a sad man who can't fill his boots in this oft-overlooked reservoir of top totty!

Quality: A busty, outgoing 7/10
Chances: It's a scorer's game - 8/10

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Charlotte Church: top totty

WOTW Disclaimer:

This is a light-hearted look at the sort of ladies the Tartan Army comes into contact with on tour (excluding “professionals”). It is based on one person’s opinion and on anecdotal evidence, based on a Scotsman’s chances in a kilt, and is written purely for entertainment and humour. It is not intended to generalise or offer a streotypical view, rather it is aimed to give a humorous composite view based on the evidence available. In no way does it mean to imply that English girls are easy. Whatsoever.

Although no offence is intended, and I would implore anyone likely to be offended to simply stop reading, if you would like to object to anything contained on this page (or have any other comments), please email Paul on this link

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