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IMPORTANT: If you are easily offended, please do not read on without first reading the Special Disclaimer. This article is purely an attempt at humour and is not intended to cause any offence.



Although the country that gave us Smurfette is not renowned for producing beauty queens, the land is not altoghether barren. Although not on Eastern Europe standards, there are still a few pearls to be uncovered. There's also a few ladies who are not shy of a pie or two, and maybe should think twice before smothering her chips in mayo.

Quality: A smurf-tastic 6/10
Chances: An in-with-a-sniff 6/10


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A blue movie star


Bosnia-Herzegovina was the Balkan country that adapted most readily to Ottoman occupation, and the Turkish influence is still apparent, from the market in Sarajevo to the dark and sultry beauties in the bars. Dark hair, dark eyes and olive skin are very much the order of the day here.

Quality: An under-rated 9/10
Chances: A you never know 6/10 - witches need not apply

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Tall, shapely, often dark-haired and invariably sultry, the Croatian women are absolutely stunning. Helen's jealous, as they can all get tight trousers long enough to fit their stunning legs, whilst she has to poke around the out-sizes in M&S.

Sexpest says: Absolutely correct, pulled within 10 seconds getting off a bus in Split whilst on a normal holiday and dressed normally. Found it harder getting them to take things further.

Quality: A Lithuania-of-Southern-Europe 10/10
Chances: A if-a-fat-wee-Burney lookalike can-pull 9/10

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The lovely Martina

Czech Republic

Is it any wonder that Czech girls dominate the adult entertainment business? Former Wonderbra model Eva Herizgova put her shapely figure down to Czech beer, and I can vouch for this, as beer has also given me the figure I have today. Best of all, not only are the women drop-dead gorgeous, but the blokes all seem to have curly hair and lumberjack shirts - you can't help but look exotic!

Quality: A walk into walls 9/10
Chances: A very promising 8/10

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A friendly young lass in Lucerna disco


Top quality scandic totty a-plenty. With far more sociable nightlife than provincial Oslo, Copenhagen's scores of trendy bars draw scantily clad, dazzling Danish dames out in all weather. And with drinks cheaper than most other Scandinavian centres, there's no excuse for not buying the lady a drink! Just remember the "SAS" factor (see Norway for an explanation)

As for your chances... well, this is Scandinavia!

Quality: A Scandinavian stun-tastic 8/10
Chances: A fighting chance 7/10

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A Danish damsel


What can I say? Never mind the "Auld Enemy" bit - wear a kilt out in England and if you can avoid being glassed your on a guaranteed pull. They love it. Also popular in certain Soho and Brighton clubs I understand.

Sexpest says: Have worn it in London, ended up swapping my kilt for a size 10 girls trousers so she could where a kilt, needless to say I remained in the Ladies whilst she was modelling my kilt. Everyone who saw the performance in the ladies in changing found it funny. Also Married Woman incident at family do in Bracknell. (This man really is shameless!)

Quality: A like-home-but-more-annoying 5/10
Chances: A putty-in-your-hands 9/10

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Catherine, a frisky Geordie lass


Estonia has long been a favourite of the Tartan Army, and not just for it’s superb vodka. Alleged by some conspiracy theorists to be a result of a sinister Soviet plan to breed a master race, the Estonian women combine Baltic grace and unassuming beauty with Scandinavian sexiness. Our last visit there saw a “Kiss The Scotsman” night held in one of the clubs, obviously helping boost the chance ratio.

Sexpest says: Absolutely correct, the only reason I have not pulled an Estonian was due to having a girlfriend at the time of the last visit so was rather quiet (excuses, excuses!)

Quality: A breathtakingingly Baltic 9/10
Chances: A here-we-go 9/10

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Thankfully, not all the women in Tallinn are junkie hookers!

Faroe Islands

With a population of around 40,000, you would not be mistaken if you feared a restrictive gene pool. Thankfully, the female genes are good ones, as the ladies are very attractive. Unfortunately, the same affliction that has affected similarly restricted gene pools (i.e. the royal family) has led to them all being as mad as hatters. Still, the chance of a liaison with someone they’re not actually related to is always a lure – “variety is the spice of life!”

Quality: 7/10 for looks, 2/10 for mental stability
Chances: A they-need-the-genes 8/10

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It reads "Royal Ass", in case you were wondering


Alluring, coy, slightly enigmatic and chain-smoking. Don’t you know the stereotypes? Of course, all these factors combine to make the ladies of France an enticing prospect. There’s also something about a girl who dislikes England as much as you do!

Quality: A husky 7/10
Chances: A racy 8/10

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Very under-rated and harshly maligned. German ladies come in all shapes and sizes, but best of all, aren’t afraid to wear tight leather trousers. They also speak far better English than I could ever hope to. Finally, there’s something about that commanding and forceful way of speaking.
(Obviously the above, and the ratings, are based on your pleasant girl in a bar, not your average latex-clad dominatrix in "Rubber Dreams")

Sexpest says: Sorry you are too genourous there, found very few of them about when I was over.

Quality: A surprising 7/10
Chances: A healthy 7/10

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Who says German women are hairy?


We're talking about ordinary girls in a bar or in the street here, not "ladeeez of the night" - just to get that clear! Dutch girls are laid back and friendly, and on a par with their Belgian neighbours (must be a Flemish thing).

Quality: A girl-next-door 6/10
Chances: An easy-going 6/10

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Hong Kong

A city of many faces, and of air-conditioning. With 1-in-5 people in the world being Chinese, there's many shapes and sizes to cause you to spill your pint, including some shapes where you would not expect to see them! Hong Kong is a city, like Amsterdam, where almost everyone seems to be on the make, but if you can look beyond that there are certainly some sights to behold. Beware the brothels that masquerade as pubs!

Quality: An impressive 8/10 (sometimes with "hidden extras")
Chances: A hot-and-sweaty 7/10 (particularly if you walk in the wrong pub)

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You Jane?


Along with the Czech Republic, Hungary seems to provide the raw material for a whole specialist section of the Hollywood film industry. As seems to be the case with much of Central Europe, there is a wide spectrum, but the pretty ones are very, very pretty. Language, however, could prove problematic, as Magyar is unlike pretty much everything else.

Chances are a bit of a mystery to me, given my two visits have not been with Scotland... lending the place an element of mystery!

Quality: A curvy, sultry 8/10
Chances: An anyone's guess 7/10

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An, ahem, "actress" from Budapest


Iceland must have a very good PR agent over here! All this nonsense about ladies with dark hair getting a load of attention, as the Icelandic males are sick of blonde viking goddesses is absolute rubbish. Blondes seem to be outnumbered by brunettes (pretty ones, mind), and red hair is also surprisingly common (a legacy of viking raids on Scotland on the way through from Norway, apparently). Very attractive, yet slightly over-rated if you believe everything you hear before you get there, and also very friendly… until drunk! Beware unsuspected attacks when minding your own business in Reykjavik bars.

Quality: A blonde-deficient 7/10
Chances: A fighting chance 5/10

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Oh so quiet?


Very grim memories of this one, due in part to a missing-in-action room-mate and an over-friendly check-in assistant. Quote of the trip: “I hope she’s got a good personality”. Wear a kilt on a Saturday night in Dublin and you will not need to worry about a hotel room! Although I’m well aware that Ireland has a history of stunning women (e.g. Dana and the Corrs), unfortunately we didn’t meet any of them.

Quality: A shocking 4/10 (based on one in particular)
Chances: A you won't be in cold in bed 9/10

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Her best side

WOTW Disclaimer:

This is a light-hearted look at the sort of ladies the Tartan Army comes into contact with on tour (excluding “professionals”). It is based on one person’s opinion and on anecdotal evidence, based on a Scotsman’s chances in a kilt, and is written purely for entertainment and humour. It is not intended to generalise or offer a streotypical view, rather it is aimed to give a humorous composite view based on the evidence available. In no way does it mean to imply that English girls are easy. Whatsoever.

Although no offence is intended, and I would implore anyone likely to be offended to simply stop reading, if you would like to object to anything contained on this page (or have any other comments), please email Paul on this link

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