So Japan-easy, May 2006

Prologue – The Plan for Japan

It all started just before Christmas, when a poster on the TAMB called Tartan Tokyo mentioned he’d heard a rumour from a Japanese journo pal that Scotland were to be invited to play in the Kirin Cup. It was pretty much dismissed as wishful thinking and not really spoken about for a few weeks, until it resurfaced again. A few calls were placed to the Japanese and then the Bulgarian FA, and after weeks of rumours and refutations, it emerged that the SFA were indeed in negotiations.

Some people jumped the gun and booked early, others (myself included) preached restraint less we end up with return flights to Japan whilst Scotland are playing elsewhere. Due to some skilful manipulation of BA Miles, I established I was able to use these for booking the trip in a cancellable way, coupled with a sympathetic boss, and so the reservation went in near the end of March, one week before Scotland’s participation was confirmed. Several hundred Scotland fans booked, probably around half of those who would have done so had the announcement been made sooner.

Due to work commitments and flight availability, we booked Tuesday (arriving Wednesday) to the following Tuesday, along with two nights in Kobe and four in Tokyo – the counterweight was having to cut our planned 10 days in Germany for the World Cup down to two weekends.

Wednesday – Laughing in the face of jet lag

After a largely sleepless night for me (two lots of 30 minutes before waking up sweating), not helped by spilling red wine right down my front early into the 12 hour flight, and loads of sleep for Helen (about 7 hours!), we found ourselves at Tokyo Narita Airport. We’d bumped into Will (from Swindon) at Heathrow the day before, and he ended up just behind us in the passport queue at Narita airport. After bumping into a few other Scots, including Will’s pal Greg, Freda and Ronnie McDevitt, we picked up our JR rail passes (after much umming and ahhing, we’d opted for Green Car passes, the equivalent of first class) and headed into Tokyo Central where we’d agreed to meet Ally, Susan, Kenny and the WESTA/LA combination trip (Tam Coyle, Elise, Kev and Craig, Jim Brown and Niall) before catching the Shinkansen bullet train down to Kobe.

After bumping into Singing Phil McFadden on the airport train (literally, his booked seat was in the row behind us), we met up with the others and I invested in a bento box on the railway platform, as despite the jet lag I was keen to dive headfirst into the local cuisine and culture. Unfortunately, I’d inadvertently chosen the seafood version, complete with whole baby octopus looking up at me as I opened the lid. My short-term recall was really suffering, and trying to hold even the simplest of conversations was a laborious process; it’s fair to say my equilibrium was not helped by the regular appearance of Coyle’s jowly face over the seat in front trotting out poor, poor one-liners (example: “Octopus is cheap here; three for a squid”). Somehow I remained conscious and sane all the way to Kobe and to the Holiday Inn Express hotel near the station.

After a quick doze and a shower, it was out and about in the Kobe rain with Ally, Susan, Kenny and Phil. Before we’d even reached the first pub, we had to cross the most mental footbridge I’ve ever seen, and halfway across, with me lagging at the back of the group, I thought I was having some kind of turn as the ground seemed to be moving under my feet (I found out the next day that was a design fault of the bridge and not my jet lag). After a full-size Izakaya meal which involved trying everything on the menu (not least of which the salted prunes) – Kenny reckoned the enterprising waitress was using us a chance to get shot of any food no-one else would eat – we rounded off the meal in cavalier fashion with a watermelon (forgetting all the horror stories about the price of the fruit). After settling the bill (which, despite our fruit-based extravagance, was still in the realms of reality) it was out and about to a couple of pubs gleaned from the guidebook. First up was the Polo Dog, a hidden gem in a shopping centre, followed by the pricey but nice German-style brew-pub, the New Munchen. Well, it would have been expensive had it not been for the free and discounted beer the owners insisted on plying us with.

After finally managing to tear ourselves away, we made it to Ryan’s Bar, the ubiquitous plastic Irish pub that the Tartan Army had designated base camp. Now, it’s well known that I’m not a fan of Irish pubs, but this one really took the biscuit: aside from it’s authentic setting (the seventh floor of an office block above a McDonalds and overlooking a busy traffic junction), the landlord had woefully underestimated the amount of beer, and when they ran out of draught they carried on knocking out bottles for the same price as pints – when these were 500ml bottles, fair enough, but when they moved on to warm 330ml sizes that just wasn’t on. I partly had myself to blame for over-exposure, as we had actually left the pub earlier with Ally and Susan (who were planning an early morning excursion on the train to Hiroshima), but then rode the lift back up to carry on drinking. Thankfully, I’d found a kindred spirit in fellow Irish pub hater Chris Houston, and between us we managed to help effect a mini-exodus across the road to a wee Japanese local. It’s fair to say the wee pub wasn’t expecting us, but put rose to the challenge admirably, knocking out beer and cook-on-the-counter noodles. The final straw was not Houston’s impromptu version of the Court of King Caratacus but rather an over-enthusiastic display of gratitude (and, it must be said, genitalia) by one of the Highland contingent.

Thankfully, Ali Nish – glamorous friend of Chris, Stevie Imlach and Andy Mac and fluent Japanese speaker – had by this time arranged a two-hour stint in the karaoke lounge opposite, so we all piled in there, dragging the “flashing blade” with us. These karaoke lounges are a strange arrangement – everyone piles into a sound-proofed room together, and there’s a catalogue of thousands of songs (usually performed by session musicians over the same soft-rock, one-size-fits-all video backdrop). Meanwhile, beer is included in the price – just pick up a phone, speak in Japanese and ten minutes later a waiter magically appeared. The fifteen or so of us had a fantastic time, but in my befuddled mental state (not just beer, remember, but serious sleep deprivation as well by this stage) I failed to realise just how amazing the whole experience was, not to mention how lucky we all were to have Ali on hand to take the lead and do all the talking. Thanks!

After a brief discussion about whether it was worth staying up to 6am (Japanese time) to see Middlesborough in the UEFA Cup Final (it’s where Helen was born), we wisely opted for bed. We had actually suggested to Ally and Susan that we may just make it up in time to accompany them down to Hiroshima Peace Park before we had bid them farewell just after midnight. When we made it back to the hotel four hours later, getting up for an 8.30am train no longer seemed so appealing, so it was with considerable effort that I somehow managed to not only write a note but slip it under the correct hotel room door (okay, it was the room next to us, but I really was “tired and emotional” for once!).

Thursday – So Japan-easy

Thursday morning came and went, and our meeting with Kenny and Phil had to rely on the “fallback” plan. We eventually made it out of the hotel and down towards the centre with the intention of finding the team hotel and picking up tickets, with a quick food stop in McDonalds (which seems to double as power-napping venue for the locals). After finally working out the ticket machine with a lot of help, and then managing to lose my own ticket en route to the destination station and having to run the barrier (with lots of bells and whistles and disbelieving stares from the locals), we rolled up at the team hotel and picked up our briefs from the lovely Angela.

After a civilised coffee and an abortive attempt to find beer, Kenny wandered off for some fresh air and we bumped in Ally and Sue who were now back from their Hiroshima trip, followed by meeting McFadden-alike Lawrie, a lad from Dundee who was teaching English on Japan’s south island and was only recently off the boat. Beer (and iced coffee for me, jet lag and all that…) was eventually sourced in a shopping centre café, before we piled in to two cabs for the short trip to the Kobe Wing Stadium. Unfortunately, Lawrie, Helen and I ended up in the back of a cab driven by a guy who clearly didn’t know where he was going, and as a result had to tailgate the cab in front! Nonetheless, we rolled up in front of the stadium in good time and we were in the ground well in time for kick-off (even after having to decant my bottled water into the supplied paper cup).

The Scotland “end” was behind one of the goals in a single tier stand – the big sweeping stands are along each side – and the Bulgarian contingent (which basically looked like embassy staff and possibly a handful of ex-pats) were away to our left along the touchline. There were a good smattering of locals amongst the 5,000-plus crowd (which was still rattling around inside the 53,000 capacity Kobe Wing Stadium!), including a bunch of young Vissel Kobe “ultras” behind us, complete with Japanese-language banners and songs (they were nice though, and happy to swap a scarf with me!).

The game itself was a bit of a blur; irrespective of the fact I was still suffering from the tail-end of jet-lag, I think any Scotland fan would be a bit bewildered following that performance! Fresh from beating the Japanese hosts 2-1 two days earlier in nearby Osaka, Bulgaria found themselves two-one down at half-time to a Kris Boyd brace either side of their goal. The verdict as the teams ran out to start the second-half: Sofia, so good! Boyd’s replacement McFadden made it 3-1, before another debut brace in the last 10 minutes, this time from Rangers winger Chris Burke, turned the game into a rout. If only Boyd and Burke had been ready for the first team sooner…

With the statisticians among us quickly working out that even a narrow defeat to Japan would be enough to clinch the cup, much celebrating followed, including the obligatory “pose with the Kirin Cup” (well, a paper beer cup with the Kirin logo on it anyway!) photos followed, before the baffled stewards finally managed to get the celebrating Tartan Army out of the concourse almost an hour after the final whistle.

Helen and I had spotted a couple of wee pubs over the road from the ground from the taxi in, so we led a few people over in order to wait out the “rush” on the tube back into town. As we set-off in the opposite direction from the rest of TA, we discovered in addition to our kitty (Helen and me, Ally and Susan, Singing Phil, Kenny and Lawrie) there were another dozen or so. Not a ordinarily a problem, however the Playboy bar was full with less than half of us inside the door! Somehow we all squeezed in, however Helen’s initial order of 10 beers (she had the kitty pikachu at the time) caused the landlady to panic – they only had 10 in stock. Her husband was swiftly despatched for supplies, and staggered back a few minutes later toting a bucket full of beer bottles. For the next couple of hours, beer supply was magically solved.

Stevie and Andy thought it would be good idea to call Bruce, slaving away at his civil service desk in London, and the pub duly sang along to Andy and Helen’s mobiles. At some point Wilf (from Swindon) took off his hat (following a chorus of “he’s got a tea cosy on his head”) only to put it on again swiftly after being belted with “He’s got a permed f*cking mullet”, and another member of the party left arm-in-arm with a local to a blast of “to get his hole, to get his hole… he’s going to get his hole” (said member re-appeared around 90 minutes later, whilst the local lassie was keeping his hotel bed warm!). After a team photo and several free cigarette lighters later (we literally had them thrust upon us by the grateful landlady), we arranged a fleet of cabs back to downtown Kobe.

After touching down at the big junction where Ryan’s perched in it’s olde worlde quaint tower block, Lawrie (who was by now, quite frankly, tired and emotional to the extreme) discovered he’d left his mobile somewhere. Even the offer of more beer could not cheer him up: “In Japan, without your mobile, you’re nobody!” (which basically meant that apart from Helen and Andy, ALL of us were “nobody”. Well, apart from Tam Coyle, more on that later…). As Lawrie drifted off disconsolately to mourn his loss, I rejoined the rest of them in Ryan’s, to bump into Chris urging me to move on ASAP. With the elevator doors starting to shut, my cat-like reflexes kicked in and I leapt majestically across the small entrance area to gallantly stop the doors closing with my outstretched leg. Well, according to witness reports, I attempted a kung fun kick, slipped on my trailing leg (there was a small step!) and ended up flat on my back with my right leg half-way up a closed lift door and my kilt akimbo, whilst Stevie stood at the door with his hand in the way looking down at me with a bemused expression. After reassuring everyone that I had not, in fact, fractured my lower spine as first feared (as Helen said: “You’ve got less far to fall when you fall on it”) it was out into the backstreets of Kobe once more, leaving the masses to over-priced under-cooled lager and a sleeping (but still lethal) Kevin Donnelly).

Between us (Ally, Singing Phil, Chris and myself) we found a posh wee pub with a Buddha on the bar, before Ally tracked back to Ryan’s to get Helen and Susan (who were still finishing their beer). Chris decided to dabble with the local firewater – not Sake but Shochu, which he soon declared was “chewy”. After stealing to the lavvy, ditching it down the sink and topping it back up with tap-water, he was soon faced with another dilemma when we explained his new drink was potentially far more damaging than what he’d just poured away (“But I can’t not drink it – that would be an insult!”). Soon after that it was out and into a taxi for Helen, me, Ally and Susan, and the last laugh of the night; despite me patiently asking (five times no less!) for “Hoteroo Holiday Inn Express” (hotel in Japanese being pronounced “hoter-oo”), I eventually gave up and sharply said “horror-day inn expless”, at which point the cabbie went “Ahh, horror-day inn” and Ally started crying with laughter in the back.

Friday – Clubbing it

The Horror-Day Inn reception looked like a tartan refugee camp on the Friday morning, with Andy Maclean wandering about bleary-eyed in his pajamas and people coming and going in various states of hangover. Rather than rush up to Tokyo, we decided to spend a few hours looking around Kobe. Helen and Kenny were keen to take in the rope-way up to the peak (as were half the school children of Japan, by the looks of it), and on the way back down (we side-stepped the confusing skyscraper this time) we made our way down to the old colonial area of Kitano, where we bumped into Jack.

Jack was a very friendly American who now lived in Kobe, having married a local lady. He explained that he was retired from the US Foreign Service and was full of stories, as well as being interested in what we were all doing there. He insisted on treating us to a beer, and as he led us to his plush members club (the Kobe Club), he proudly explained that there was a Scottish Freemasons’ Lodge in the car park (and no, he wasn’t joking!). We were introduced to Paul, his pal from Essex, and the two of them were a real double act as they entertained us over a beer. It was very difficult to leave, but with booked seats on the Shinkansen we had no choice – in the end we had to get two very confused taxis across town to the hotel and then back to the station (I had to stay with the cabbies and wave my hands around a bit whilst everyone else retrieved the luggage).

The Green Car carriage was pretty empty, apart from the seats directly opposite us from Osaka onwards; rather than sit a seat away and allow us to keep the seats facing (Shinkansen trains have a pedal that allows the seats to swivel, allowing them to face one way or the other), they insisted on sticking to their assigned seats! Nonetheless, the journey did allow for me to slip off my ailing kilt and sit back whilst Helen performed her seamstress act. On arrival in Tokyo we arranged to meet up with Kenny in the Ginza Lion Beer Hall, and Ally, Susan, Helen and I squeezed onto a rush hour tube train (not too bad – apparently much worse in the mornings) and headed across town to our mega hotel – the 1,600 room, three building Hotel New Otani.

After unpacking and freshening up, Helen and I headed out to meet up with the other three. Ginza subway station offers a myriad exits, and unless you have an ability to navigate by neon, heading above ground to get bearings is a futile exercise. Our joy at finding an underground entrance to the Ginza Lion was tempered by the fact that no-one else showed up (making explaining to the waiter why we needed a table for 5 when there was in fact only 2 of us rather difficult). Undaunted, Helen and I sampled the beer and food and then headed back on the underground towards the ex-pat disco inferno district of Roppongi. The Hobgoblin had been designated as the TA HQ, mainly thanks to the sterling pre-trip work of Scottish ex-pat and part-time Harry Hill impersonator Tartan Tokyo, however when Helen and I rolled up around 9-ish it was hoaching. Decrying the choice of venue (“I live in England, I can go in an English pub any time”), we co-opted “Save The Whale” Chris Houston and headed over the road to a German pub instead.

On arrival in Bernd’s Bar, the owner was so taken with the kilts that he bought us the first round of beers on the house. More rounds followed as we fell into conversation with the other customers, a range of German ex-pats including none other than ex-international and (then) current Urawa Red Diamonds manager Guido Buchwald. After much drunken lunacy and tales of culture shock (including the one about the elderly Japanese bather saying to one of the German guys: “Next time, we’ll leave the Italians out of it”), we headed back across the road to the Hobgoblin. By now the crowds had subsided a little, leaving a trail of bewildered locals in their wake and, at the back of the pub, Walter Smith, Jim Duffy and Ally McCoist holding court (and happy to pose for photos). Ally, Susan and Kenny had also arrived, fresh in from the other Ginza Lion Beer Hall and keen to know why we’d stood them up.

As the Hobgoblin started to shut up shop, we headed en masse for an alternative, eventually stumbling into a packed Motown House bar where we found Akie and co. By the time Ally had fought his way back from the crowded bar with a round of Heinekens, we decided to take our chances outside and finished our beer on the streets before hailing a taxi back to the New Otani.

Saturday – We'll drink Kirin oot the cup

The late night took its toll, so after a lie in, Helen and I headed out with Ally and Susan to the Yebisu Beer Station for some local produce. The Inverurie Two headed back into the Hobgoblin after a meal, whilst Helen and I were taking it easy with a stroll around the museum (and the prize of a tasting pallet at the end). By the time we made it to the Hobgoblin, Ally and Susan had already headed out to the ground and the pub was filling to bursting point. By now the heavens had opened and the local transparent umbrella sellers were doing a roaring trade, particularly as Paul Baker contrived to purchase half a dozen. Helen and I decided to make an early break for it to beat the crowds and beat an early retreat out to Saitama for the match. The train filled up as it neared the stadium, but we were the only Scots in sight. The rain was getting heavier, so we sought out some full length plastic rain jackets (casper the ghost numbers), bought the required towelling souvenir scarf and headed into the stadium for some shelter (albeit only in the concourse, as the ends were open to the elements.

The scene in the concourse was like something from a refugee camp, with hundreds upon thousands of Japanese teenage girls sat cross legged on blankets on the concrete floor, sharing picnics and generally being a fire hazard. We bumped into an exasperated Ally and Susan, who confirmed that the scene before us had changed little in the past hour, much to their bemusement. After some initial confusion as to which section we’d been allocated, the Scotland support began to congregate and Cammy the Ref produced his camera for the obligatory “smiling with the home fans” shots (including a bunch of Dundee FC supporting locals).

We took our seats in the corner for the game, wrapped up us much as possible (my proper waterproof jacket was bound around my rucksack to try and limit the damage). After having Flower of Scotland massacred by a Japanese opera singer, the home anthem was sung by cheeky looking gent who proceeded to flash the inside of his jacket to display the JFA crest. The noise from the home fans was absolutely amazing, putting to shame anything else I’d encountered, although as the first half wore on it became apparent it was all a little choreographed and bore little relevance to actual events on the pitch.

Although the game itself ended in a goalless draw, it was a very different Scotland performance from the rampant attacking against Bulgaria, and that itself was exceptionally satisfying. Denied the services of Kris Boyd, and with Burke inexplicably left on the bench, Scotland sought to restrain the hosts and did so very effectively. Although a two goal deficit would have left us in pole position, we hung on desperately to the draw and it took some last gasp defending in the final moments to preserve the equilibrium. Then the final whistle blew and those of us lucky enough to be there realised that we’d just seen Scotland win a trophy on foreign soil (we’re actually now the first British nation to win a regularly contested international trophy on non-British soil!). With all the surrealism of a Tarrant on TV clip, the trophy and a large cheque was presented on pitch to a baffled Davie Weir (who, having swapped his shirt in the immediate post-match formalities, was forced to don Gary Naysmith’s for the sponsors photos!). After letting it all sink in, it was out of the ground and in with the thronging hordes towards the station.

After an age of shuffling forwards with what must have been twice the official crowd of 68,000, waiting, shuffling some more and waiting some more, we finally boarded a Tokyo-bound train with Ally, Susan and Iain from Paisley. Everyone else headed to the Hobgoblin (where else?) in an attempt to catch the Scottish Cup Final (or in the West Ham fan’s case, the English FA Cup), Helen and I decided to jump off near the hotel for a nightcap. After wandering the streets for a while, we happened across a Ramen place and had some of the trademark pork and noodle soup before turning in early (well, earlier than the night before) at around 2am.

Sunday – Urawa you?

Our discussions with Guido on the Friday night had revealed that his Urawa side were to play a local derby away at Yokohama F Marinos on the Sunday in the cup. We knew that FC Tokyo had a game the same day, but as it’s not every day you get a chance to see the Japanese league leaders play away in the 2002 World Cup Final venue, we’d agreed to head down to Yokohama with our shiny Green Car passes.

Despite an abortive attempt to leave the hotel early to see the freak parade at the temple (a Sunday morning fixture) due to the ramen soup providing an encore (Ally: “Did you know there’s a new 100 metre record?”, Paul “I know – I broke it this morning running for the loo”), we finally made it out of the hotel and rendezvoused with Ally and Susan at Tokyo Central station. We followed the crowds past the knock-off football shirt sellers and managed to get hold of some good second tier tickets for a few quid each. After a quick scoot around the Yokohama club shop we headed in, and to our surprise, found the concourses deserted. Strangely, Urawa had set up their own official shop in a disused refreshment kiosk, so after buying and donning scarves we headed up into the seats. We had specifically asked to be in with the away fans, and to be honest, we had made the right choice. Although the crowd of 25,000 or so was lost in the expanses of the 80,000 capacity bowl, the Diamonds’ fans outnumbered the home crowd by around two to one. Much to Ally’s approval, Urawa play in red whilst the Marinos wore blue, white and red (and to rub salt in the wound, the fans sing a song not dissimilar from “We arra peepul”).

Urawa ran out winners; more comfortably than the 2-1 scoreline suggested, and after the game we decided to head straight back to Tokyo rather than explore Yokohama further. We hopped off at Shinjuku station (famous for being the busiest station in the world) and were in time to head up the Metropolitan Tower for a great view of the Tokyo skyline (Ally and Susan also managed cocktails in the Park Hyatt “Lost in Translation” bar later in the trip). After spending loads of money on a metal badge machine in the toy shop at the top of the tower, it was back down to street level and into a Kirin Beer Hall for a couple. After a fruitless wander around the Golden Gai and the Kabuki-cho area (most things were shut as it was Sunday), we headed into the unassuming Champion Bar (with it’s 500-yen price promise).

The Champion was a real find, with non-stop karaoke, mad regulars (Brad and Pedro) and scurrilous graffiti in the toilets (complete with the number of Tam Coyle’s rented mobile phone). The only downside was that some of the local karaoke singers were really, really good, compared to the drunken yeti chanting that we came up with. After staying on until the bitter end, it was back in a surprisingly cheap taxi to the hotel and to bed.

Monday – Electric Avenue

After securing our bus tickets for the journey to the airport the next day (it’s all about planning, kids!), Ally and Susan joined us on our expedition to Akihabara’s “Electric Town” to procure a new memory card (having caned three already on this trip). Being the panic merchant everyone knows and loves, I also wanted to use BA’s Online Check-In to make sure our prime seats were still ours. Despite rumours of free internet terminals being liberally sprinkled around, this was easier said than done and, as a result, I am now a proud member of one of Akihabara’s many internet and manga cafés. Thankfully, membership was free (although they did need to photocopy my passport), and the seats were confirmed with no further pain.

With all the essentials out of the way, it was onward to the sedate Asakusa district and a cruise down the river. This turned out to be much more fun than it sounded and took us right down past the famous fish market to the harbour proper. Once back on dry land, and with the new memory card having been given a full workout taking photos of the Asakusa River’s famed bridges, we headed for the Phillipe Starck designed Asahi Brewery. The tower boasted a top floor bar in the Sky Room, and we set up shop by the windows to watch dusk fall over Tokyo (with the beers flowing, of course), before heading downstairs to the designer beer hall proper. The food and beer was great, but the Star Trek themed toilets really took the biscuit here.

Suitably refreshed, we bowled up the hill to the famous temple for some photos in the dark, before finishing off with a nightcap in the hotel’s own tower-top bar.

Tuesday – Sayonara

Helen and I headed down to the hotel’s very own bus station in good time for our airport transfer, only to be met by the bizarre sight of 5 busloads of Japanese wedding guests in traditional clothes queuing in perfectly orderly fashion before filing silently onto the waiting coaches. The view from our elevated seats on the journey along the raised motorway viaducts around Roppongi was certainly an eye-opener, as was the rural surroundings we hadn’t had much to chance to notice on the train on the way in. The Tokyo airport experience was particularly painless, and the highlight of the flight home was the crystal clear view of the arctic which I managed to catch on camera from the galley as the rest of the plane slept.

All in all, a fantastic trip, but more for the football (and the sights) than the actual drinking.

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Lithuania, September 2006

Prologue: Phantom fixtures and five goal feasts

Over the past few years, some kind of hysteria, perpetuated by the popularity of the TAMB, has developed around booking flights and accommodation for Scotland games; as if something isn’t booked then and there, prices will rocket. Whilst this may hold some truth for the likes of Iceland, Faroe Islands, Kazakhstan, Georgia etc, for almost every other European country there are numerous travel options. When the original meeting between all of the nations in our group reached an interim agreement, the SFA (in retrospect, unwisely) published the provisional fixture list on its website. Subsequently, it came to light that Oleg Blokhin had been on a plane at the time, the Ukrainian FA refused to ratify the fixture list and UEFA stepped into the breach, handing Scotland a far better set of fixtures (the only drawback being a free fixture on the very last day in November 2007).

Thankfully I was in Germany when the phantom fixtures were announced, thus removing any possible temptation to join in the booking frenzy that was sweeping the TAMB. My only concession was to book a (cancellable) hotel room, but this was more a legacy of having been bumped at the last minute from a room in Vilnius in 2003. When the fixtures proper were announced by UEFA the following month, I had by this time managed to swing a day off work and sat diligently in front of my laptop, ready to pounce in case of the nightmare scenario: Georgia and/or the Faroes away in 2006. As it happened, Lithuania was a pretty straightforward option, and I was in early enough to snaffle up Club Europe seats for the outbound leg (though not for all four of us travelling). A hotel recommendation from Ally, following his route through Vilnius to Minsk the previous summer, and we were all set.

The Saturday before the trip saw the Scotland circus take place at Parkhead, with Hampden being rented out by the fat dancer from Take That. Pre and post match rituals were disturbed by the change of venue, and the Barrowlands gig proved a bar too far for us before the game. None of that put the team off their stride as we raced into a five-nil first half lead; in fact the only downside was the thousands of fans missing the first couple of goals due to struggling to get in through Celtic’s ludicrous automated ticket gates despite having arrived in good time (we were lucky – our stand had no queue).

A Sunday visit to my Granny’s for sponge cake and a lift to the airport from James and Lynne later and we were enjoying the hospitality of Glasgow’s Executive Lounge. Due to the number of early flights from Gatwick the next day, the Travelodge proved very popular with the travelling Tartan Army (although the hour-long wait for luggage had worn us down and we retired to bed straight away).

I don't like Mondays (at Gatwick when the baggage carousel breaks down)

To add insult to the injury of the draconian hand luggage restrictions in place at the time, the check in queues were almost out the door due to broken conveyor belts. This is where our Club Europe tickets came into their own with a dedicated check in line, and we were soon through and in the lounge. Despite the offer of free bevvy in the lounge, I opted to stay dry so as to make the most of the complimentary champagne on board, and this was duly caned all the way to Vilnius (despite the shortages sweeping the rest of the plane, Club Europe was thankfully unaffected!).

Ally, Susan and Kenny arrived just minutes after us on the KLM connection from Amsterdam so we agreed to wait for them in the Arrivals Hall. As we waited, the heavens opened outside and the waiting Tartan Army scuttled into a number of taxis and buses, leaving us to linger while Ally found to his horror that his bag was still sitting at Schiphol Airport. We beat a retreat to the upstairs bar restaurant to discuss tactics and wait for the weather to subside, eventually opting to barter with the profiteering taxi drivers rather than try and get all seven of us onto a bus.

We were having a beer at the hotel bar, having already checked in, when Rich appeared – he’d planned to leave us a message as his work mobile wasn’t working. The eight of us headed off en masse – the plan was to strike for Avilys brew pub for some food, but we diverted into Busi Treacas for some of their home brewed cherry beer. Avilys was dependable (and expensive) as ever, and Rich and James were made up with the “Beer hive” 5 litre giraffe measures. After a few hours we moved on – the rain was back on now, and some doorway hopping brought us into a weird and wonderful student bar (which we managed to drink dry with just one round!) and then onto the all night refuge of Transylvania and the first pear ciders of the trip.

Tuesday – shell suited animals and stuffed jakies

Tuesday morning saw Helen and me head to the nearby bus station to get some provisions for the room (after late night munchies having to go unsatisfied the previous night). On the way back, we made time to visit two wee bars – one full of stuffed animals and shell suited jakies, the other a nice, shiny (but very small) sports bar sporting a Chelsea Headhunters scarf (and now, Worthing and Netley Abbey Tartan Army ones). After dropping off the crisps in the room, we headed up Pylimo in search of a bar we’d found back in 2003 with the Milngavie boys – it had stuck in our mind thanks to the appearance of an entire military brass band marching through it. The bar/pizzeria in question was still there, and we settled in for a few beers and a pizza as gradually everyone else gathered there: Bruce and Sharon (who’d just flown in that day and used our taxi price as a guide to ensure they didn’t get charged double, as originally quoted!), Ally and Susan, and eventually, Craig, Kevin and Wolfie (from Austria).

No brass band this time, but a wake! We were politely ushered out to the wooden terrace, and thought it best to drink up and leave (otherwise we’d have to weave between the mourners to get to the gents!). Next on the agenda was posh bikers’ bar Harleys, before a backstreet expedition (without Kev and Wolfie) taking in a hotel’s cellar bar (that we again drank dry, this time of pear cider) and a traditional restaurant (for Zeppelins). Tam Coyle had been doing his best to perpetuate a rumour of some secret gig for one of the charter companies, but when we stumbled across him later on that evening he was looking forlorn – there was no PA but the barstaff had offered to put his CDs on for him, one album at a time!

With the game to look forward to the next day, and the Loony Alba bus setting off early, everyone turned in for an early-ish night around 1am. Well, almost everyone…

Wednesday – Hitting a Kaunas with a banjo

Waking up early on Wednesday morning, I found Helen was already up and out, having been called upon to “talk in” a tired and emotional footsoldier who was evidently unable to discern which way to hold his map, having enjoyed a late night drinking session with Fast Ted and Andy Mac, amongst others. Said footsoldier proceeded to take to his bed for the rest of the day, leaving his good lady to accompany the rest of NATA on the bus to Kaunas. Pear cider rations were procured at a local supermarket, and the convoy of buses took to the road a mere 20 minutes late; the only blow to our bus convenor’s planning was the lack of a CD player to entertain us with his specially selected compilations (one for a win, one for a defeat!).

The bus dropped us by the ground and almost everyone headed down the hill to the city centre. Having been in Kaunas in 2003 and being distinctly underwhelmed by the experience, I was in less of a rush, and instead the NATA contingent (Ally, Susan, Sharon, James, Lynne, Helen and Paul) headed into the open stadium for photos before spotting a small bar (Komanda) in the outside wall. In a rare departure from tradition, everyone bar Ally and Susan, opted to stay put and have something to eat in the bar, and we were still there hours later when the Inverurie Two returned from their successful foray for vegetarian food. In the interim we’d joined by Auld Andy and Scott, Phil and Roisin from Loony Alba, and by the time Gav, Craig T and Kellas had joined the fray a case of lager had appeared on the table.

Mindful of the fun and games we’d all faced 3 years previous, an early approach to the turnstiles was called for. Thankfully the Lithuanian FA had managed to properly sort out segregation (must have been all that extra money they’d charged a large proportion of us) and there was no repeat of the problems we’d faced before. Our £30 seats were along the touchline at the end of the main stand, and were right where Kenny Miller ran to celebrate his goal. After romping into a comfortable two-nil lead, we were pegged back in the last five minutes and had to endure a spot of hanging on until the final whistle. Being penned in for a while by the local polis was a lot more bearable this time around with a win to celebrate.

Jubilant, relieved, and six points to the good, we made our way back to the Loony Alba Bingo Bus. Not letting the lack of a stereo stifle our enjoyment, the back of the bus was a non-stop sing-along to the likes of “Star Trekkin”, “The Gambler” (we were all singing this for the full trip – apparently the Celtic Park DJ had played it at half-time!), and thanks to Sharon, “Man-a-man-ah” from the Muppets. Once back in Vilnius, we did head to the “Man in Barrel” pub on the main square but were beaten back by the chronic lack of service and again headed for an early night. Still, not as early as some, eh Bruce?

Thursday – Off the beaten Trakai

With this trip being mine and Helen’s fourth visit to Vilnius, we felt compelled to actually make the effort to see some of the surrounding attractions and decided to strike out for nearby Trakai, home to an historic castle and the erstwhile capital city. The rest of NATA (bar Rich and the absent Clarkston Chris) tagged along too, and somehow we all managed to shoe-horn into a cramped and fragrant minibus for the 30 minute journey to Trakai’s forlorn bus station.

Trakai is basically a long peninsula into a lake, with the train and bus stations at the southern tip (where the “mainland” is) and the castle built on a small island in the lake at the northern end. We wandered up and through the ruins of the old castle, pausing at the Kybynlar restaurant for the traditional Karaite dish of Cornish pasties. The Karaites were a tribe from Iraq who had been hired by the old Grand Duke back in the good old days, and had swapped desert life for castle-guarding duties in the Balkans. Trakai is the site of one of their few temples (it’s a semi-Islamic religion), with others in Vilnius, Turkey and the Crimea.

Fed and watered, we wandered down and over the bridges to the pink hued castle itself, getting the obligatory Susan-in-stocks photos, before heading back to the station via a wee pub (complete with loads of owl symbolism) on the way back down. Having scratched (and sniffed) the surface of real Lithuanian bus travel, we decided to take our chances on the trains; there’s only a handful of trains a day, taking 45 minutes or so, but we were in luck time-wise. The rolling stock itself was typical ex-Soviet – massive and sparsely furnished, but it did the trick.

Back in Vilnius we headed up to Lokys, or the Bear Restaurant as Kenny Hamilton (who had by now joined the fray) described it from his last visit. A meal of beaver, bear and such like later and four of us (Ally, Susan, Helen and me) headed around the corner to Aukštaiciai In search of Rich, who had been ringing me on Dave the Spy’s mobile. We’d missed Rich but were in time to see a spot of improvised singing from Dave’s table before heading off into the night.

Friday – Otherwise engaged

Ally had managed to organise a bus tour to Grutas Parkas, a theme park (of sorts) created by Lithuanian entrepreneur who had snaffled up all the unwanted Soviet monuments in the early 1990s. The park is a good 80+ miles from Vilnius, down near Drusininkai, hence an early start was required. Unfortunately, my bowels had started even earlier, and instead of accompanying Helen on the “Elite Tours” bus (complete with side-expanding seats), my morning was spent on another kind of seat instead.

When things started drying up and I felt suitably confident to wander away from the safe proximity of the hotel bathroom, I headed out into Vilnius. Right before the trip I’d got it in mind to propose to Helen, and given her first ever Scotland trip had been to Vilnius back in 1998 (in other words, pretty much exactly 8 years ago given the timing of both matches), I thought a tasteful amber ring would be appropriate to actually do the proposing with (besides, Helen’s far too fussy for me to chance actually choosing a proper engagement ring on my own!). Tasteful and amber rings are usually mutually exclusive terms, however after a spell of mooching around Vilnius’ posher shops I managed to find the perfect ring (three stones, one for each game in Lithuania…), and after picking up an Orthodox icon of St Elena (as a good luck charm for the car) from the Orthodox Cathedral, my work here was done.

With an afternoon to kill before the bus was due back I decided to head out towards the TV Tower to see what I could see. The bus stops in front of Vilnius railway station are a bit of a free-for-all, so after studying a route map I made my way down to the next stop. The Tower itself is a fair bit out of the centre, and the only route from the bus stop means heading through a less than salubrious housing scheme, but the views from the revolving restaurant are worth it. After consulting the map again, I could see a bus that went from the Tower to the Zalgiris stadium, so I caught that to see if the old Antalya bar was still open. It wasn’t, however posters at the stadium did declare that the FC Vilnius v Zalgiris Vilnius local derby was scheduled for the next day (not the Sunday as our cursory pre-trip research had suggested). A beer in the second of the stadium bars later, having swapped a NATA badge for a set of official FIFA referees’ cards, I was on my way back across town to meet the returning Helen.

With the most of the others in the hotel foyer, we all headed back out and round to the Sports Bar Helen and I had discovered on the Tuesday. Again we were made to feel very welcome, despite the cramped surroundings, but with so many pubs and such little time, we were soon off again – next door to the “Russian Jakey Bar”. Of course, with Scotland having been in town for a week, the jakies in residence weren’t Russian this particular Friday night: two lads, clearly tired and emotional, were completely out for the count at a table near the door, much to the amusement of the bar-staff and the locals. We settled in for possibly the cheapest beers of the trip, having posed for photos with the ropey barmaid (and dissuaded her from stealing one of the sleeping Scots' Glengarries) before heading once again to the mythical “bar around the corner”. This particular one was called Labyrinth, and seemed to be a favourite with local dope smoking Goths. As one would expect from such passive smoking, we soon had the munchies and Cili Pica opposite the station came into play.

Saturday – Young ladies bearing beer

After scooting up the new funicular to take in the view from Gedimino’s Fortress, Helen and I met up with Rich (and eventually, a hungover Ally and Susan) in Avilys ahead of the game. We met James and Lynne up at the ground, and with our plastic-cupped beer in hand, took our £2 seats in the centre stand. A dire 0-0 draw between two very poor teams was enlivened by two young girls (around 8 years old) coming and asking Rich who he was supporting. After giving them saltire button badges, they returned at the start of the second half each bearing a beer for Rich (to add to the one I’d got him at half-time).

As the teams filed off the pitch at the end of the game, Rich had the audacity to stand by the players tunnel to shake hands with the home team as they passed. A quick badge buying session later and it was off to Po Grin Dis, another old haunt from the U21 game in 2003. A Russian meal in a shopping centre restaurant followed before we headed up to the Sky Bar on the top floor of the Reval Hotel for some cocktails and views over the darkening skyline.

Sunday – homeward bound

Another early-ish night made for an early rise, and we headed out to the airport by taxi. Despite having the chance of free bevvy in the lounge before the flight and no work the next day (I was between jobs – due to start a new one a week later), I didn’t really feel like drinking (much like the whole trip, to be honest!) so we had a quiet one. In any case, the following week would be mostly spent in Germany, with two Fortuna games and a Rot Weiss Essen match to look forward to, along with the small matter of getting engaged.

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